Entry 22a: I Remember everything, now I can feel your pain.

I ... have regained my memories using the device, everything I am is a lie and perhaps I was the monster. I suppose I knew that already, but I chose to ignore it before. I worked in the agency that much is obvious. I was a scientist working on advance technology, but I was also one of their best agents, I felt no pity for the monsters I had to destroy for they felt none for us.

So is it any wonder that upon discovering a powerful bomb the size of a suitcase that could destroy our enemies without having to risk the lives of valuable agents I would jump on the opportunity to study and test it. When I was ordered to test them on a town completely overrun with cultist I smiled at the though that I could stop them before they killed hundreds of innocents and dozens of agents while trying to root them out.

When I watched from a distance after setting them off I saw reality break as fire consumed the town, I admit a certain level of satisfaction in the sight and my ability to not react to it at the time. After the most dangerous of the effects wore out I rushed into the town to survey the effects of the bomb to report to my superiors and to study/improve them.

Wandering through the town, empty and on fire I began to have my first doubts, what if this fell into the wrong hands, the thought of these being used on the innocent BY the cultists was horrifying and hellish. Then I thought about it and wondered what would happen if there were well entrenched cultists, but someone might use it to destroy them and the surrounding innocents just to make it easier on the agents. I heard a scream and saw a child, I rushed over to find two children, unconcious and injured from the blast, it's a miracle they survived at all. Given hindsight this was probably Colleen and Cookies. Something practically compelled me to pick them up and drag them to a nearby hospital and created false records so the agency wouldn't find out where they were from without  a deep search and by then they would have bigger problems.

At this point in my memories I was furious, this went beyond bad Intel, this was a deliberate setup to test a super-weapon on a town which at this point I wouldn't be surprised if it had NO cultists at all. Upon returning I put on a mask of calm, perfected by years of practice and set my plans in motion to destroy all records of the Copperfield bombs and kill everyone who knew about them by setting up massive amounts of explosives in my lab, then wipe my own memory so even that would be denied to the agency. In hindsight, it was very likely something was influencing my emotions, but I am glad they did, or who knows how much more damage could have been caused.

I also remember I was the right hand woman of Ghost aka the kindred spirit sending me the messages. Apparently ghost seems to be everywhere in the Agency and knows just about everything in the agency

For obvious reasons I will stop attempting to reverse engineer the Copperfield rounds I had salvaged from Jackie's spend shots and stop taunting smoke about his part in the Copperfield bombs. That would seem immensely hypocritical at this point.

Luckily Ziggy was more interested in learning a new language and didn't look to closely or he might have noticed that I was crying after using the interface. And luckily the chamber was flooded so I could splash my face and claim I just got wet to throw off the rest of the troupe.

My ... family. I can't tell them, they need me to protect them, but if they knew they would kill me or doubt me in a moment where I could have saved them.

Especially Colleen and Smoke, while they are both pacifists, I could not bear to see the betrayal in their eyes if I told them. No, it's better to keep this to myself and try to make it up to them, knowing nothing I could ever do will redeem my soul for my actions.


Also a tragic thought is that despite saving many of the Aliens (known as crossbreeds in the future apparently), it is incredibly unlikely that any of them will survive without their carefully maintained environments and systems and with a large portion of their military destroyed. And that is assuming Stone doesn't slaughter them in a rage/as collateral damage of his fight.